Relief, guilt, failure, freedom. These are just some of the many feelings you may experience when your relationship ends and you face the prospect of parenting separately. It can feel a little like you’re on an emotional rollercoaster, especially when you go through very different feelings very quickly indeed.
Making decisions and supporting your children while you’re on such a rollercoaster of emotions can be challenging. Sometimes, the simplest way of doing it is to make sure that you’re taking good care of yourself.
Only when you feel good will it be easier to make decisions and support your children.
Think about what’s made you feel better in the past during difficult times. It could be sleeping more, or sharing your tough times with a good friend or family member.
Try your tactic again.
It can help to allow yourself some time to do something that’s purely for you. Think about what you enjoy.
You could try:
For the next week spend a moment before you go to bed at night to write down something nice about yourself; for example, “I have a great sense of humour” or “I am a very kind person”. Find something different every night.
Then, for the following week write down one thing you did well that day.
Do this for a month and reflect on all the positive qualities and actions you’ve done.
When you make the decision to separate, the future can seem scary. The checklist of practical tasks to get through can seem overwhelming and the many feelings you’re experiencing like you’re on an emotional rollercoaster. Things can seem chaotic and confusing.
An understanding of your separation as a loss can help you in many ways.
Separating can be like bereavement or any other loss. After the initial shock, you start on a journey which takes you through a cycle of emotions.
The stages of this journey typically go from denial through to anger, emptiness, depression and acceptance, until you can start to move on. It’s very common to revisit the same stages or emotions more than once. This is often how your mind comes to terms with what’s happened.
It can really help to acknowledge your separation as a loss – for you, the partner you’re separating from and your family. It can also help if you understand what stage in the loss journey you’re at.
You and the partner you’re separating from may not be at the same stage in your emotional journeys.
For example, if you’ve been thinking about separating for a while and have ideas of how things will work out, then you’re probably on the upward part of your loss journey, as shown in the diagram above. The partner you’re separating from may still be angry, and on the down slope.
It helps you both to work together better if you can recognise this difference.
Wherever there are losses, there are usually gains. The gains in your separation may not be obvious to you, or maybe they seem slanted in one direction.
Discussing this with your ex can help you both to understand why some things are more difficult to manage than others.
It’s useful to remember that if you were able to talk calmly and negotiate with each other well at this stage you probably wouldn’t be separating!
Consider the loss cycle diagram above;
If you are struggling with your feelings about the end of your relationship and would like to speak to a relationship counsellor about how to move forward please contact us soon.